We’ve all been to those events, you know the ones, where local authors are set up pedaling their wares. It can be kind of uncomfortable for the average won’t-be-book-buyer. Especially when said author is located in a spot that you have to pass on your way to where you’re going. I mean, there they are sitting out in front of the bookstore in the mall, or at some festival or fair or market that has absolutely nothing to do with books. What the heck’s all that about anyway, right? What nerve, what gall. It’ kind of like being ambushed if I’m being perfectly honest. You know. You’ve felt it. It’s not like you’re expecting someone to be selling books, least of all the author of those very books.
Well, fear no more. Over the past five years of attending book signing and some of those a fore-mentioned “other events” I’ve learned a thing or two when it comes to not buying that author’s book. Actually, it’s not all that complicated. You just have to know the right thing to say and the proper way to carry yourself. Keep your wits about you and above all don’t panic. You’ll survive. I promise.
So, for all of you won’t- be-book-buyers these next 10 excuses are for you.
1. Listen to that little voice in your head. You know, the one that says, “Tell her you don’t read.” Who can argue with that? If you don’t read, you don’t read. Case closed. Keep on a walking, my friend, you’re in the clear, maybe even click your heels as you’re walking away. You’re so cool– you, you , person who just does not read.
2. Stop at her table for a few moments. Gently run you hand over the books. Appear interested, but not too, too interested. Slip in a comment such as, “One day I’ll have to invest.” The author will be giddy thinking that you’re talking about actually buying one of her books when in reality you’re talking about opening up an RRSP. She’ll never know the difference.
3. Ask her if the book in the bookstores. When she says yes, tell her that you’ll probably pick one up there some time in the future. She’ll love you for it, and by throwing that word, “probably” in there you’re getting off without a true commitment. Clever.
4. Ask for a full synopsis of the books on her table. Trust me, authors love that part. Leaf through the books one by one. Read a few passages, silently. Ask what age group it’s for. If she says young adult simply mention that your grandchildren are too young. If she says middle grade just say the opposite. She can’t argue the age-appropriateness of her books, right?
5. Remember, appearing interested will always endear that author to you. She’ll probably believe whatever you have to say. Ask if her books are fiction or non-fiction. If she says fiction, you know what you have to do. Sound rather disappointed and say, “Gee, I only read non-fiction.” If she writes non-fiction, you get the picture, tell her you only read fiction. Now if she happens to write both fiction and non-fiction you need a back-up excuse because if you don’t come up with something quickly you may just end up having to make a purchase. But have no fear, when all else fails here’s a handy, dandy excuse that will always work in a pinch…..
6. “I don’t have any cash on me or else I’d get one.” Remember, adding that little, “or else I’d get one,” will show her you’re serious. Can’t argue the no money excuse.
7. Another dandy excuse that often works well is this: Stop at her table and pretend you’ve already read her books. Her smile will be like a ray of sunshine, especially when you mention how much you enjoyed them. But for God’s sake don’t overdo it. She may just ask you what your favourite part is and the jig will be up. You’ll need make a quick exit. Fake chest pain if you must, but scram tout suite.
8. Stop at her table and introduce yourself. Tell her you have a book coming out next week. She won’t know the difference. Authors love other authors. Chances are she’ll congratulate the hell out of you because all authors know just how difficult it is to find a publisher after that book is written. And you know what, after all that congratulating is over, she won’t even care about selling her book. She’ll be just itching to buy yours. Now that’s a plan!
9. Promise to come back a little later. Find out how long she’ll be there to make sure you don’t happen to stumble on through before she’s done for the day. I mean, she’ll never see you again, right?
10. Remember, you can always distract her by talking about the weather. Weather talk always works no matter where you go. You don’t have to be weather-lady Cindy Day to appreciate the local Maritime weather. Canadians can talk forever about the weather. We’ve had plenty of practice. Throw in a, “I heard we’re going to have an early winter,” and you could keep her talking forever. Book talk will always take a back seat to weather talk. Trust me. I’ve fallen for that one, myself, a time or two.
So there you have it, all the excuses you should ever need to avoid buying that author’s book. One final little tip I’ll leave you all with. If words happen to fail you, hey, we can’t all be wordsmiths, here’s something that will always get you out of buying that author’s book. Resist making eye contact. Keep trucking right on by that author’s table. It’s not like she’s going to jump out and stop you from passing. It’s simple, just pretend she’s not there. Make her feel invisible and she’ll probably believe she is. So long as you don’t slow your gait, you’re in for smooth sailing but, above all, remember not to look. Not even a sideways glance. If she detects even the slightest bit of acknowledgement on your part she’ll be smiling her face off to try and get your attention. She might even say hello. If you get that friendly hello all your hard work could go down the drain. Just saying.
So there you have it. 10, or actually 11, ways to avoid buying that author’s book.
Now it’s your turn. Can you think of any other ways to avoid buying that author’s book? I’d love it if you’d share some of your experiences. Or just come up with some inventive things to be silly like I did.